Seeking Wisdom

Link to Daily Readings My first workout session went well, as did my second other than the fact that I hurt my hamstring at the very beginning of the morning running. I’m hoping it either feels better by this afternoon or it won’t matter this afternoon, which seems like a possibility considering it’s supposed to be a lifting day. When I first hurt it I had a little bit of despair run through me, I finished fourth in that race when I could have easily finished second had I not had to slow down because of my leg. Oh well, it doesn’t seem like they’re planning on cutting anyone the first week, especially if they’re well behaved and attend everything they’re supposed to attend, so I won’t be too worried about it. It did remind me that I’m not in control however, at a time when I think I was falling back into my old thought pattern of a powerful me. Maybe that was the purpose, a slight twinge, an inconsequential injury just to slow me down for a couple days, to remind me that I need t...

Link to Daily Readings I think I might have actually believed it when I was saying “let Thy will be done” last night. It was a very refreshing moment, it took all the weight of the world off my shoulders. To detach from the outcome and know that whatever will be, will be, is so freeing. I don’t feel the same pressure to do well anymore, I feel pressure to do my best, but that doesn’t make me nervous. Surrendering my will is my goal because it is the most liberating thing that I can see happening to me. A while ago I think I got a glimpse of it when considering my vocation. Now, if a vocation is whatever you feel called to do, whatever truly satisfies you in and of itself, then I’m in a tough spot. I like doing a lot of different things, I’m talented at a lot of different things, and a lot of those areas overlap. The decision would be pretty hard for me to make. It’s a decision I’ll still have to make and it will be hard, but less so in the right frame of mind. It will be a le...

            Why did God give us free will? Because free will is necessarily for love. How? If I say I love my mother because she’ll beat me if I don’t, that’d be considered disingenuous. But I am acting of free will. There is the threat of coercion, but I’m still making a choice to do the thing because my aversion to saying I love her is less than my aversion to a beating. Isn’t Hell the worst beating that could possibly exist? It’s defined as the end-all, be-all of punishment. Nothing could possibly hurt more, for longer, than Hell. But what makes Hell hurt? Hell is sometimes referred to as a place of fire, gnashing of teeth. I’ll try to stick to what Jesus says, because he would probably know better than anyone else. But he’s also prone to speak in metaphors, he probably means something more like Hell burns us like fire and is far more frustrating than anything we’ve ever experienced, hence the gnashing. How does he say we get there? ...

I thought I had decided a long time ago to give my life over to Christ but I’m realizing now how untrue that was. I dedicated myself to resolving certain issues within myself, but not through Him, just for Him. In retrospect, this is completely idiotic. What can I do for God? What can I do for anyone or anything without going through Him? I think I have a great deal of fear about losing my life, so much so that I was lying to myself, saying I had really given it up when I hadn’t. So long as I hold onto my petty vices, my prides, so long as I guard those things that I say are part of myself but which I know are not part of who he wants me to be, I can’t move forward at all. That’s been the most frustrating part, I can’t change anything about myself without changing everything. I can’t be a little more charitable, but remain committed to my unchastity. The same self-control I’ll develop through chastity will help make me charitable. Furthermore, chastity will make me see everyon...

Link to Daily Readings   I started having this thought earlier this year when I was far from seeking humility, but I still want to write it out to see if it still works within the context of humility. A topic that’s heard a lot of soft soap is how we are to be as Christians. It seems that often people talk as though we are to be poor, pitiful creatures who, though powerless, love others with all our heart. Though it may be true that we are undoubtedly poor and pitiful compared to God I see no commandment that demands our weakness, perhaps poverty, but not weakness. For after all it is impossible to be loving without being strong, to be morally upright without having discipline. These flow from God and are assisted by Him but we can’t wallow through life as though we are powerless. Consider the crucifixion. The night before in the garden Jesus asks his Father to take the cup away if it be His will, if it be His will . So it’s quite clear that in the moment, in his fully hum...

Link to Daily Readings I was thinking about my workout when I was about to brush my teeth just now, and I thought, when do I feel strong? I certainly never wake up feeling strong. I sometimes wake up feeling fresh, clearheaded, and sound of body, but not strong. I think strength is something you can only feel within yourself when it’s being tested, and I don’t think this is exclusive to the physical variety. It makes quite a bit of sense. How on earth could you get an idea of how much weight you could lift, except by lifting weights? You could eye yourself up in the mirror, flex and check to see how much muscle mass you have, but everyone’s neurological efficiency differs. There are stringy people who are strong, people who look like tubs of lard but are immensely strong, and bodybuilders who can’t bench press their own bodyweight. I think God must be planting these thoughts in my head sometimes, because they always come around to some spiritual interpretation quite quickly. Wha...

Link to Daily Readings Whenever I just wake up, I feel a very intense desire to go back to sleep. As though it were the ultimate in pleasure for me. It’s a very strange feeling because I have this subconscious reckoning that not only will it feel really good, it will be good for me, it is what I need that I’ve been searching for. The thought seems to flash through my mind that if I just went back to sleep for an hour and a half, all my problems will be solved, I’ll be completely blissful. I do like dreaming. I like dreaming quite a bit actually. So I must have some awareness while I’m dreaming, that I’m dreaming if I’m recognizing it as not being reality, then waking up and wanting to go back to unreality. But once I’m awake, the suggestion that I spend all my time sleeping, or indeed any more than that which is healthy, seems somewhat absurd. Why should I spend all my time sleeping when there is so much to be done, and seen, and experienced in the real world? But on that edge, ju...