2 – 1 – 17 Submission and Pride


I thought I had decided a long time ago to give my life over to Christ but I’m realizing now how untrue that was. I dedicated myself to resolving certain issues within myself, but not through Him, just for Him. In retrospect, this is completely idiotic. What can I do for God? What can I do for anyone or anything without going through Him?

I think I have a great deal of fear about losing my life, so much so that I was lying to myself, saying I had really given it up when I hadn’t. So long as I hold onto my petty vices, my prides, so long as I guard those things that I say are part of myself but which I know are not part of who he wants me to be, I can’t move forward at all. That’s been the most frustrating part, I can’t change anything about myself without changing everything.

I can’t be a little more charitable, but remain committed to my unchastity. The same self-control I’ll develop through chastity will help make me charitable. Furthermore, chastity will make me see everyone as truly a person rather than a sexual object, which also makes charity much easier.

There’s no parallel relationship to it, because there’s no one else who demands not only that you reveal everything about yourself, but that you subject everything about yourself to change. How difficult. It is so, appropriately, difficult.

I suppose the concept does capture my imagination though. To be transformed, rather than simply changed, into something beyond my desires is perhaps the most exciting thing one could hear. The idea that resting inside is a marvelous creature of great wisdom and love is exhilarating. This feeling is usually either kept in the wrong way by wanting to achieve that independently, or altered considerably by the realization that this change only comes as part of a complete subjugation to Christ.

What are my vices worth to me? Well pride, I don’t think I get that much out of pride. I think it is an end goal, I think many of the other sins in my life set up pride as their bargaining chip. Saying, “pursue this, and you’ll feel great about yourself”. I suppose that happens more for me than others. Others may be persuaded more by the simple pleasures of their wrongdoing, using evil to get good, while I use evil to pursue more evil. I’d much rather be in the other boat than I am in. Pride is the motivation for my stubbornness, the reward for my aggression, and the primary reason I’ll refuse to change.

And here I come up against it again. If I didn’t have so much pride, I would have the kind of attitude necessary to change. If I want to change something, anything, I have to get rid of my pride first. I may achieve chastity, but if I achieve it with a proud heart it really does me no good. Rather than moving me closer to the type of person I am to be it will simply make me more proud, constantly patting myself on the back for my virtue while disdaining soddomites and fornicators. So anything I do that seems inherently good in a proud heart I’ll attribute to myself, and therefore just increase my pride in equal measure to my increase in any virtue. Not that these gains and losses could ever cancel out as they don’t exist on the same field, pride is spiritual, penetrating every aspect of my life. While I may develop skills in a pursuit of chastity than I can apply to being more charitable, the actual bit of chastity never really comes in.

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